Odd Thoughts

[SCENE: the Connor family. Leo (dad), Corinne (mom), Alicia(visiting home from college), Tracie (the youngest, high school senior, and a trans girl). In trouble for having come home late the previous night, Tracie was grounded for a month before being sent to bed. The next morning at the breakfast table… ]

The next morning at the breakfast table a freshly grounded Tracie was almost shouting. “If I was a boy, I wouldn’t be grounded, and we wouldn’t even be having this discussion right now!”

Speaking through his teeth, Tracie’s dad spat, “You ARE a boy!”

“No. No, she’s not.”

It was spoken quietly, almost unheard, but it had a force behind it that shut everyone up.

Corinne looked at her husband, “Face it, honey, she’s not a boy and hasn’t been for a long time, if ever, really.” He sat back down and put his forehead in his hands, staring at his plate.

Tracie, shocked, just stared at her mom.

Alicia looked at her dad and offered, “Think about it, Dad. It took me forever to figure out that whenever you grounded me it was because, in some way, I had done something that scared you bone-deep. Tracie’s right. If she was a boy, you wouldn’t have been so worried about her last night. But, because you were so scared for her, it made you so angry you grounded her for a month. So, somewhere in your thoughts, and probably your heart, you have accepted her as a girl. Otherwise, as she said, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

Taking this in stoic silence, Leo continued staring at his half-eaten plate for another minute. Then, not looking at anyone, he stood, grabbed the plate, and dumped it on the kitchen counter. Stalking into his office, they all saw the wet on his cheeks.

Tracie was dumbstruck by both the truths of her sister’s words and the anguish on her father’s face. Realizing just how bad she had scared her parents, she felt all the guilt that had been building over the past few months settle firmly into the pit of her stomach. A guilt made heavier with the troubles she knew her decisions this year had caused. With all her other festering pressures, her father’s clear pain widened a crack somewhere deep inside her, and tears started to build in her eyes. Desperate to make amends, she stood to follow her dad.

Her mom placed a hand on her arm, “Give him some time sweetie.”

Fighting hard to hold off the coming flood, “Mom, I… I didn’t think… I wasn’t thinking… everything I’ve done… I have to make this right Mom, I’m so so sorry.” She continued to get up.

With an insistent grip, “I know you are Honey. I’ve also known that man for a long time. Please, for now, give him some space. It’ll be ok, I promise.”

Staring around a room gone blurry through her tears, terrified about the damage she had caused to her family, she absently turned and headed for the stairs. At the bottom, she turned and looked at her mother, “If he can ever stand to look at me again, please tell him…”

A sob broke and she turned and fled upstairs saying, “I’m so sorry, I’ll fix this!”

Suddenly fearful, Corinne and Alicia both quickly stood to follow her but were beaten to the stairs by Leo who, having heard the exchange, dashed out of his office and took the stairs 3 at a time.

Corinne stopped and held an almost frantic Alicia back.

Smiling gently through her own tears, “He’s got this sweetie. It’ll be ok…” Then, looking up after them, she added “…finally.”

Slamming through her bedroom door, he saw Tracie just get to her dresser and grab some shears in one hand and her beloved hair in the other with the obvious intent to cut it off herself. Two strides and he was at her side and had the scissors out of her hand. Dropping them to the floor, he pulled her into his arms.

Safe in her father’s arms, the dam broke.

All the guilt, pressures, worries, confusion, and fear over the past year broke through and the sobs began in earnest. He just held her and whispered nothings into her hair as she shook, weeping into his chest. Finally realizing the depth of his own mistakes lately, he let the responsibility for them settle firmly on his shoulders as his heart broke for his youngest child.

It took a long time, but once the weeping subsided, he sat them both on her bed. Unable to look at him, she began, “I’m so sorry dad, for last night, for making you worry, for putting you through all the boy/girl stuff this year. I was so wrapped up in myself, I didn’t realize how selfish I’ve been.” He started to shake his head but she continued. “I’ll just go back to being a boy, it’ll be better for everyo…”

Putting a finger on her lips, he spoke gently but firmly, “Stop, just stop. You’re not the only one who’s been selfish here, and you have an excuse. You’re a teenager. This is the time in your life when you need to be selfish and begin figuring this life stuff out. I’m supposed to be the wise one with all the answers. Yet all I’ve been able to think about is how I’m losing my son, and how I’ll explain all this to, well, anyone I guess. Especially when I didn’t understand it myself.”

“All I’ve really seen lately is how happy you’ve been these past few months. Mostly oblivious to my feelings about watching my son living as a girl, and as a cheerleader at that, for Godsake!” chuckling to soften the statement. “Because of how generally happy you’ve seemed, I don’t think that until this moment I truly realized how hard this has been for you. Through my own confusion, I didn’t see yours. I understand now that your change wasn’t just a teenage whim or some other immature game. I’m so sorry darling. I guess at its core, I just missed my son.”

Looking at her father, “Why?”

A bit startled, he tilted his head to see her eyes better, “Why do I miss my son?”

“Well, yeah… As Trace, I was a geeky, socially inept loner, where now, as Tracie, I’ve learned how to open up and make friends. Trace’s idea of sports was a video game and running away from bullies, but as Tracie, I’m a key member of my squad. He didn’t like any of the things you like, you barely spoke to each other, and he hated doing family things, but I absolutely love it… All of it. He didn’t want your interference in his life, where I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Dad, he wasn’t… I wasn’t a happy person, but I think I am now, at least mostly. I think what you miss is the idea of who your son could have been, but not who I really was.”

With her firmly clutched in his arms, he looked out the window and thought about that for a long while. Then, nodding, he looked back at her with wet eyes, “How did you get so wise?”

“Comes with being a woman.”

Laughing and holding her tight, “That must be it, I am blessed to be surrounded by very smart girls.”

“Damn right!” from the door.

They looked up and saw Corinne and Alicia holding each other and smiling as they came into the bedroom and sat on the bed. Then, of course, the waterworks started flowing again, but happy ones this time. “I love you guys” Tracie murmured as they shared a group hug.

Kissing his youngest daughter’s head, “We love you too princess.” Then, half smiling, “You’re still grounded.” Laughing, she wiped her eyes and nodded. “Yes Daddy.” Loving being held by him, she basked in her family’s warmth as they all chuckled.

---

Later, and back at the breakfast table, her phone started to ring. Her dad looked up and wagged his finger at her saying, “No phones for grounded girls!”

Pleading, “Daddy, it’s Josh, can I at least talk to him to tell him I’m grounded? Then I won’t speak to him unless we’re in school.”

“Fine, make it quick,” he grumbled. Alicia snorted, eliciting her own finger wag from her father.

Answering the call, “Hi Josh, I’m sorry, I can’t talk long, I got grounded for a whole month for getting home so late.”

With a little surprise in his voice, he said, “A whole month, that’s a bit steep.”

“I KNOW right?!, parents suck so much sometimes”

That drew two identical raised eyebrows from her parents. She just grinned and bit her bottom lip trying not to laugh. Josh, sounding a bit contrite, offered “Wow, I’m sorry I got you in trouble, just blame it on me, I’ll take it.”

A little impressed with that, she smiled ” That’s sweet, but wouldn’t work. Takes two to tango, as they say, I’ll take my lumps. Listen, I gotta go, I’m sorry. I had a great time last night. I love you.”

“Last night was the best! Don’t be sorry, I’m the one who’s sorry, I love you too, see you in school.”

“Can’t wait.” Hanging up, she was still smiling. For some reason, she just couldn’t stop smiling, her face hurt with it.

Watching her, Alicia spoke up “Y’know, dad, her smile is very telling.” They all looked at her with bemused questioning looks. “I used to love getting grounded.”

This time she drew three sets of raised eyebrows.

Laughing, “well, maybe not the GETTING grounded part, but BEING grounded? Yeah, I did. It gave me a chance to just… be home, and take a break from the pressures of school, and friends, and boyfriends, and all the social pressures I had.”

Tracie just nodded at that. Alicia continued “Looking back, we had some of our best times as a family when I was grounded.”

Through his usual lopsided grin “Honey, you could have just told people you wanted some home time.”

Tracie started laughing, “what, and kill every ounce of street cred she had?!?! No way!”

Nodding, Alicia giggled, “And that was the best part, I could blame you and your draconian rules, and all my friends felt sorry for me and the tough situation I was in.”

At that, Tracie started giggling with abandon. Leo shook his head with his best put-upon expression.

With a small secret smile of her own, her mom added “I did notice that. I was always watching, and when things seemed to be getting too much for you, I could almost predict, to the day, when you’d do something that would get you grounded.”

With shocked laughter this time Alicia asked “Then why didn’t you stop me from pulling my stunts?”

Corinne ran the tips of her fingers through the side of her elder daughter’s hair, cherishing her being home, “Oh honey, It’s like you said. I knew we’d go through a day or so where you’d pretend to sulk and your dad would calm down, and then, we’d have a couple really good weeks together as a family. I was incentivized to let your little rebellions happen.”

Indignant, Alicia squinted her eyes at her mother, “You sneak!”

Corinne lifted her chin, “Well, I AM a Connor woman! Where do you think you got it from?” The rest of them started laughing.

Leo, still shaking his head, and with his own brand of indignance said, “Y’know, I think I feel a little used and played.”

The girls both pushed their bottom lips out in cute pouts, belied by the smiles sneaking through.

Corinne put her hand on her husband’s, “Darling, you have always been the rock the rest of us can storm our emotions on, and we know that you’ll keep us safe and grounded.”

The pouts disappeared and the girls jumped up and hugged their dad, loving each other very much. Corinne stood and walked over to the game cupboard and pulled out some board games.

Leo and his three girls spent a very enjoyable afternoon in each other’s company.